The What Not To Do List for the Phantomhive Household:
by Skarlettefox
Summary: I am proud to present...The list of what NEVER to do while in the Phantomhive manor. Warning: may cause bouts of insane laughter Read! My darlings, read!
1. Chapter 1

**Hello my gorgeous darlings!  
i am having SUCH a good holiday, if you must know XD  
So here is my humble Christmas Holiday Present to you!  
Please enjoy...and please review!**

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The What Not To Do List for the Phantomhive Household:

Don't ask for devilled eggs…..it's not funny.

Don't put any of Madame Red's clothes in the wash with Sebastian's shirts…..even though he would probably look adorable.

Don't let Grell go into detail about his plans for his day with Sebastian…..the ratings just aren't high enough.

Two words: Lol. Cats. Sebastian's not ready for it.

No more saying: "Arrrgh me hearty!" every time Ciel walks into the room.

Don't set up Finny and Angela up on a date.

In fact. Don't set up anyone on a date with Angela.

Don't allow Bard access to flame-throwers…..we all know he is a pyro.

Same goes for bazookas.

And for machine guns.

And for…..Okay. You get the idea. Bard + Weapons = BAD IDEA.

Don't get one of those ladders with wheels on the bottom…..Mey-Rin has enough problems.

No plastic cutlery…..We have our reasons.

No paper plates…..Same reasons.

No. Ciel does NOT slap Sebastian because of sexual frustration…..Stop asking.

No giving Grell haircuts…..He has a chainsaw.

NO Grell giving anyone makeovers.

Absolutely NO posting Grell's make-up tutorials on You-tube.

Scratch that. No posting ANYTHING on You-tube.

No computer chair rides.

NO trolley rides. You SAW what happened with Grell.

Don't watch 'Devil wears a Prada' and looking meaningfully at Sebastian.

Do NOT ask Sebastian about his stripper heels. Just. Don't.

No watching 'Texas Chainsaw Massacre'….Grell's self-control is weak.

No going to see 'Pirates of Penzance' and pointing at Ciel. His self-control is even worse than Grell's.

Don't keep telling Bard that his name spells 'Drab' backwards. Remember what I said about the weapons…

No getting Sebastian to dress Ciel in a corset…..No matter how hot it would look.

Don't let Pluto walk around nude rubbing against people(especially Sebastian)…..We don't want to drown because of Mey-Rin's nosebleed.

Never let Finny get his hands on Ronald's lawnmower…..sorry. Death scythe.

Or Williams, for that matter.

Stop trying to steal the Undertaker's hat.

Same goes for Grell's glasses. *cough*chainsaw*cough*

And for Ciel's mini stick…..oh. Wait…..did that sound weird?

No taking Pluto to the pound. No matter what Sebastian says.

No getting stray from the pound. No matter what Sebastian says.

No putting Grell in the pound. No matter if Sebastian offers to screw you.

No getting Ciel a parrot from the pound…..do pounds even have parrots?!...nevermind.

Do not give aforementioned parrot to Finny…..the kid just doesn't know his own strength.

'Pirates of the Caribbean' is NOT Ciel's theme song.

Nor is 'Highway to Hell' Sebastian's…..even if it should be.

And don't even THINK about 'Sexy and I know it' for Grell.

No drinking Tanaka's tea…..seriously. The dude needs it.

No trying to prise open Lau's eyes…..Ranmao will kill you in your sleep.

Don't tell Sebastian to "Go do yo thing" every time they pass a convent…..he doesn't need encouraging.

Never introduce Grell to Lindsay Lohan…..Diva sparks will fly.

Don't buy any creepy puppets…..They're still recovering.

No calling Ciel 'little robin'…..or do you want to take Viscount Druitt's place at the top of Ciel's hit list?

No randomly singing 'God save the Queen' or yelling "Hello, your Majesty!"…..Ciel is still in shock from the Curry Festival.

No prank letters pretending to be the Queen.

NO GANGNAM STYLE. NO. NOT HAPPENING.

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**Sooooo?! How was it?!  
Please tell me!  
i crave comments and reviews just like i crave chocolate...nom nom nom XDXDXDXDXDXDXDXDXD**

**I love you all!**


	2. Chapter 2

**Hey fans!**

**I'm baaaaaaack! and here is part two of the series, if i get more reviews i might make a part three...pleeeese! 0.0**

**So, i have officially had my birthday! hooray! and i got the boxed set of Kuro anime! so i am SO happy right now!**

**btw, these are the next 50 rules, cause the other list was 50 also but the numbers didnt come out for some reason...DX**

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No groping Sebastian. We know you want to.

Lau must not be shown ANY movies featuring Jackie Chan. We don't want him getting any other ideas….

Don't ask for vanilla curry. Some things are just not meant to be.

Don't randomly yell out: "The _BELLS_ Paula!"

Don't _GET _bells like Paula.

No, Sebastian doesn't carry/give piggybacks to anyone other than Ciel.

Sebby, Bassy, Sebdog, Sebbo, Bassa, Butler man, Mickey mouse, Hot stuff...etc….are NOT appropriate forms of address for Sebastian. Especially not that last one.

Do NOT introduce Grell to Ayame Sohma. We don't need Grell in a maid's costume or anything else…

Don't introduce Lau to Shigure Sohma…..ONE PERVERT IS ENOUGH!

Don't let Ciel meet Artemis Fowl. Their ego's will initiate the destruction of the human race.

Stop trying to get Sebastian to wear a deer's head. Once was enough.

Stop trying to find out what the editors were on when they published the Sebastian+Deer head incident. Even if we all want to know where we can get some.

Stop singing "London Bridge is falling down" in a creepy voice at night.

No. Ouran High school Host Club does NOT. Repeat, NOT get their much needed roses from Sebastian.

Stop yelling "Ding dong! Avon calling!" at the door. Grell might answer.

Don't ask why there are no more rats in the Phantomhive Manor. It has NOTHING to do with Sebastian's new pet.

Stop buying William crates of stress balls. The companies are running out.

Don't try and get anyone into the male stripper business. Even if they were born/made for it. *cough*Sebastian*cough*

Good time to mention. 69 must NEVER be mentioned. Especially not to Ciel. Even if Sebastian wants to try it.

Don't buy lingerie for ANYONE. (Now excuse me while I stop my Sebastian-in-a-corset nosebleed)

No. the Shinigami are NOT Sebastian's bitches.

Stop photographing everyone with that shit-scary ghost camera.

Stop using violins to do air guitar solos. Your life is VERY much at stake.

Stop writing "I live 4 Sebby!" on Ciel's head while he is sleeping. If Sebastian won't stop you, someone else will.

No, the Undertaker and Sebastian will NOT be going on any comedy tours.

Same goes for Sebastian and Ciel on 'Dancing with the Stars'

And Sebastian will NOT be appearing on 'Songs of Praise' Wait. WHAT…..

Sebastian does not give lessons on 'How to do the Ultimate Evil Eyes'

Ciel doesn't do 'Undercover Boss'

No, Agni doesn't have a genie!

Stop rubbing Prince Soma's tummy. Its not lucky. And do you really want to endure 'Death by angry Indian Butler?' *cough*jealous*cough*

Elizabeth must NEVER UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES be allowed to get hyper.

Sebastian and Claude must never be allowed to watch 'Horrible Bosses'

No, Madam Red was never influenced by Ghostface.

Don't put "For the Unclean" on a box of soap and deliver.

Same goes for signs on shower curtains.

And tags on face cloths

Don't buy anything Grell asks for. Especially not red dye.

Don't write 'Junkie' on a sticky note and put on Lau

Same goes for 'Stoned out of his mind'

Don't offer to give Ciel bitch-slapping lessons. He's got it under control.

Stop taking pot-shots at birds. Especially ravens.

I don't know if there is a Loldogs. But they aint ready for that either.

Rainbow flags are NOT to be hung in the foyer. Even if they need one.

Stop asking people whether Sebastian or Claude would be the uke. Even though we're all DYING to know.

No. that is NOT Sebastian's 'sex hair.' Stop asking.

No recreating Sebastian's 'parlour trick' with people you don't like.

And it was NOT sexual frustration that caused Lau to go overboard with the swords.

NO Fifty Shades of Grey. NO. Not even lolcats could prepare them for that.

Last, but not least…..um…NO CHARACTER'S FROM BLACK BUTLER MUST EVER BE SHOWN THE MANGA, ANIME, FANFICS, YOUTUBE VIDS OR FANART ASSOCIATED WITH THEM. **EVER**.

P.S. in case you are confused about any other characters not in kuro mentioned here, go look them up. you will get it then!

P.P.S Christian Grey=SERIOUS ISSUES. i dont even know. the dude is INSANE. Ladies of this good world. dont EVER end up like that poor bitch who got abused by him.

P.P.P.S i am currently writing a WilliamxGrell fic, so if you like the pairing, keep your eyes out (shameless self promoting)

much love!

*\o/* this is a cheerleader, say hi.


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